This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
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[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Just when you think you鈥檙e getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that鈥檚 fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it鈥檚 so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I鈥檓 supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn鈥檛 right, but I鈥檓 close. I can feel it.
He鈥檚 the one. I know it. Don鈥檛 you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you鈥檝e had enough to drink
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It鈥檚 been two weeks and I think I鈥檓 doing something wrong.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Spa day..馃槄
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Don鈥檛 pretend to be someone you鈥檙e not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She鈥檚 a nurse apparently
just gave my 5yo power of attorney