[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
You Might Also Like
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
the red hot silly peppers
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.