*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
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I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.