*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
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Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Cause of death: Zumba
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.