Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
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i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver