thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
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Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves