@CulturedRuffian: Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
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@therealeatwood: DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience. ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please.
@ginger_xtc: build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
@ShortSleeveSuit: [front door opens] Everyone [hiding in the dark]: *flicks on lights* SURPRISE! Burglar: It sure is! Everyone: [someone fires a glitter cannon]