Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
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Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules