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@CulturedRuffian: Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
@sofarrsogud: My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
@Blondiethegood: I totally owned the mosh pit at the One Direction concert last night.
@Sleinso: [First date]
Her: I love parkour.
Me: *trying to impress* My ancestors were monkeys.
@LostFelicia: Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
@behindyourback: *at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they're burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets