Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
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Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey