@JesseFernandez: Thank god attorneys let us know they're attorneys "at law" so we don't assume they're attorneys at garlic bread or something.
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@daddyville: I like the word "panties" so much I'm going to start using it in place of "cool." Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that's panties.
@tuckerflodman: [halftime] Coach: Okay men we're literally losing at basketball to a dog... any ideas? -I have one. *pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
@iQuoteComedy: Girl: "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Guy: "Both, now get in the van."
@ThisOneSayz: My mother's scale of concern: 1 missed call = I am busy with the kids. 2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.