Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
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It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
any last words?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Cake safety first. Always.
pictures of spider-man
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.