Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
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You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
😂🤣😂🤣
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Finally
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents