On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
You Might Also Like
yeah no that’s fair
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
is this meant to deter me
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.