Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
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Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
technically true but not a great slogan
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf