Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
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Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
not to brag, but mine was free
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Lmbo
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?