Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
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[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
me when I see my crush
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT