Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
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I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Always a metermaid never a meter