Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
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He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
.. do you even science?