@kylekinane: Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we'd still be talking about how we're not finding that airplane.
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@BeCoco77: He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.
@JackalAnon: So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
@INDlAN_: When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
@AdamBroud: Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir. Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.