Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
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[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Unexpected Judgment
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves