thank god the sign was there
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Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Seas the day!!!!
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”