thank god the sign was there
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It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
You know…for fall…
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Pringles
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.