Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
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My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come