My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
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A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho