thank god
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[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children