Thank Satan it’s Monday.
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I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”