I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
the three branches of government
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.