@jackiembouvier: Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
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@MMFlint: Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world's largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
@usermcuserface: My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.
@Cryptoterra: it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying "pasta la vista, baby" to people. why would you put that on a resume
@_correctomundo: I'll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.