Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
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According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Things will get butter, keep churning
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die