@jackiembouvier: Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
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@RidiculousSheri: My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I'm the racecar, sometimes I'm the iron. But usually I'm a peanut because I've lost all the game pieces.
@andreeahluscu: I almost got hit by a car this morning and the scariest part was that my last words would have been "whoa there chap"
@marinarachael: My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don't have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
@Playing_Dad: *consoling friend who is a baker* I'm really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.