Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
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Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
He is just living hist best little life 😊
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually