I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
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I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.