Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
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If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Lmaoo 😂
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.