If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
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TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.