Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
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My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism