@trevso_electric: Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
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@Quartzjixler: People who talk with your phone on speaker like it's a Star Trek Communicator - we're trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
@ShawnIzadi: That moment you could pass as an Olympic speed walker because you are racing to the bathroom.
@KeetPotato: advice: describing someone's cupcakes as being "better than sex" is only a compliment if you aren't sleeping with them
@tedtheboi: Bae: Come over Me: Do you have food?? Bae: My parents aren't home Me: Are they coming back with food??