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I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Remember folks 😂
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.