Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
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ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no