I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
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The struggle is real
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?