Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
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How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.