Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
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The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
If you know, you know
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.