Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
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this is so top tier i cant
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
socratic questions
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.