Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
You Might Also Like
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!