Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
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I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?