[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
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I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.