@AndDube: Thank you, internet, thank you. 😂 #Covfefe
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@thisis_thatguy: I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
@putyoursisterd1: "If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!" -a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
@Overdue_Bills: Whenever my car won't start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don't understand.
@iwearaonesie: *wife walks over to me* *cups my face with her hands* *looks me in the eye* "Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?"