Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
You Might Also Like
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
😂😂😂
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that