Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
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I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.