Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
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George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh