Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
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Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Money is the root of all wealth
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor