Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
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Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.