Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
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Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it