Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
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The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
This is a true ally.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.