Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
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Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Childbirth is so beautiful
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him