Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
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My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
PARKOUR
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
who did the taste test?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches